Deafness and Internalized Ableism (Personal Experience)

To Deaf people: If I use any ableist language outside of my internalized ableism thoughts, please let me know!

Internalized ableism and imposter syndrome are a lot to deal with.

When I was 10 years old, I ruptured my right eardrum. This caused hearing loss which presented in me sometimes being unable to understand what someone says if we’re not facing each other. Because of this, I started identifying as hard of hearing.

In the last some months my hearing has severely declined. Because of that, I have started identifying as Deaf (because it feels right). At the same time, though, it scares me.

Going deaf terrifies me. In my brain it feels like this huge life-changing thing. And it might be. Either way, I’m trying to accept it. (I’m still struggling with the fact that this is real.)

I also feel I’m not “Deaf enough”. Going from identifying as Hard of Hearing to identifying as Deaf when I still have some hearing feels like I’m lying when I say Deaf. (I understand that’s something I have to work out internally. I’m just expressing where I am right now.)

On the topic of signing/sign language, that’s also scary.

I have no issue with learning ASL for other people, but when it comes to me, it’s more of a no-go (I understand that may not be logical, but it’s how I feel).

Firstly, to me, signing is accepting my hearing loss and deafness.

Secondly, I feel like a burden for asking people around me to start signing (because it’s easier for others to understand me and vice versa). I feel I would be asking and making people to go out of their way for me. It’s a lot.

On the topic of music, it has always been a huge part of my life. So it sucks feeling like I’m losing that in multiple ways. (I understand Deaf people can still enjoy music, but I can’t help how I currently feel.)

No matter what happens, I’m currently trying to make peace with the realities of life and this situation.

If any Deaf people have any advice and/or words of encouragement and/or want to share your own stories, comment!